RomCom Recast: 50 First Dates
Wednesday has come around yet again kiddos, and that means it’s time for another RomCom Recast, where I fix broken movies by recasting them as action films.
Alright, I admit it. I actually like this movie. It’s funny if you’re in a dumb-as-bricks sort of mood. I don’t generally like Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore or RomComs, but there are exceptions and this is one of them. The premise is borrowed from the 1994 Dana Carvey film Clean Slate, mixed with a dash of Memento. Drew Barrymore’s Lucy loses her memory every time she goes to sleep. She wakes up every day thinking it’s October 13 from the previous year. The twist this time is that Henry, played by Adam Sandler, meets and falls in love with her after her injury.
I laughed. Still, though… it could be better. Let’s figure out how.
Sue is the owner of the cafe where Henry and Lucy keep meeting. She’s a friend of Lucy and her family, and tries to keep her safe from Henry’s meddling interference. She’s kind of a mother hen figure. The only person in the past several years to pull off mother hen and action badass in the same movie was Helen Mirren in RED. We need to see that as many more times as possible, so here she is.
As decreed in my birthday edition of RomCom Recast a couple of weeks ago, I have the option of choosing one actor or actress to keep in each recast. I’m playing this card for Pomaika’i Brown. I’ve never seen him in an action movie, but his Sumo wrestler physique is just terrifying. At one point in 50 First Dates, he menaces Henry with a meat cleaver and it really could have taken the movie a different route if they’d run with that.
This time, we’re running with that.
Astin is pretty funny as the lisping, steroid-addicted Doug. Doug is Lucy’s brother who is very protective of her, has bouts of ‘roid rage and is the closest thing 50 First Dates has to a lead henchman character. I really want this action movie to be good, so I’m breaking the emergency glass and pulling out the greatest action henchman of all time, Al Leong. What’s that? You don’t know who Al Leong is? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN ACTION MOVIE IN YOUR DAMN LIFE?!?
Here’s his death reel, which includes his henchman death scenes from Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Big Trouble In Little China, Action Jackson, Escape From L.A., and many others. His presence is basically required in action movies, unless he’s already died in the same franchise.
Here’s a simple shortcut if you want to find the worst part of any movie you’re watching. Start by asking yourself: “Does this movie contain Rob Schneider?” If the answer is yes, you’ve reached the end of your search.
Ula is Henry’s friend, who has a plethora of children and hangs around doing things that are supposed to be funny, but are poisoned by his Schneideryness. So let’s go ahead and fix this by using another simple shortcut.
To find the best part of any movie you’re watching, ask yourself… well, you see where I’m going with this. Malkovich rules.
If Doug is the closest thing to a lead henchman this film has, then Marlin is the closest thing to a lead villain. As Lucy and Doug’s father, he is the only force that can keep the overenthusiastic Doug in check, but still spends the majority of the film as Henry’s antagonist.
So if we used the greatest action henchman of all time for Doug, then surely we need the greatest action movie villain of all time to keep him in check. After all, this is Hans Gruber himself. Nobody does it better.
Even aside from her villainous Terminator 3 performance, Kristianna Loken is one of the true great actresses of our time. I mean, did you even SEE In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale? Come on. You know we need her to up our quality level here.
Adam Sandler: what are we still doing with this guy? I mean come on. Just looking at his picture makes me want to turn and walk out of the theater, and I’m not even in a theater right now. Seriously, Sandler. Go back to 1996, when someone cared.
No, I’m being too mean. I do like him in some things. Like I said, I enjoyed 50 First Dates. I must have just been in that kind of mood. Also Punch Drunk Love is one of my all-time favorites. The thing about those two movies, though is that they’re not typical Adam Sandler movies (though 50FD is close.) I like him when he does the things that aren’t what he’s famous for. Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy were the height of his career and, I hate to break your hearts, fanboys, but they’re both terrible. Don’t even try to sell me on Click or You Don’t Mess With The Zohan or anything else he’s done since 2000. You’re wasting your breath.
But seriously, you knew this change was coming as soon as I put Hans in charge of the bad guys. We all know there’s only one man who can properly kill a Gruber.
Given the nature of the existing plot, I figure this new version needs to be a sci-fi action extravaganza about mental brainwashing and alternate realities.
And then Bruce Willis kills everyone.
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