SSS: The Lake Castaic Monster

By on February 1, 2013

My sister, The Girl, lives in Michigan. I live in California. The only way we can watch movies together is by picking something from Netflix Streaming and hitting play at the same time. Then we IM each other while we watch. Every Friday, we bring you our transcripts in a very special little column called Streaming Sibling Suckas. You’re reading one right now.

Today’s selection is a direct-to-video masterpiece The Girl found after we watched Maximum Mumbles last week.

beneath-loch-ness-movie-poster-2001-1020211034

Steve: I am here.
What do you got for me?

Girl: They aren’t natural disaster, but – Turbulent Skies, starring our boy Casper. Or, Surviving Crooked Lake, starring nobody.
Also there is still Post Impact, with Dean Cain.
Also:
VOID. The tagline is, “It will swallow you hole!” No I didn’t make a typo.

Steve: None of these are striking me just right

Girl: OH!
BENEATH LOCH NESS
SIXTY FEET OF PREHISTORIC TERROR

Steve: Hold on I’ll check that out.
YES.
I like that one.

Girl: Ok then.

Steve: It says sixty feet, but that eyball in comparison to that boat would make it much bigger
I am paused on MIRAMAX just as it starts to fade out.

 I am paused on MIRAMAX just as it starts to fade out.

I am paused on MIRAMAX just as it starts to fade out.

Girl: Ok.
I’m there.

Steve: 3
2
1
Oh Dimension.
They do lots of cool stuff.

Girl: I’m real excited about this.

Steve: Me too.
That font is giving me the willies.

 That font is giving me the willies.

That font is giving me the willies.

Girl: That’s the Irish or Scottish font.

Steve: Are they implying that the Loch Ness monster is a Biblical leviathan?

Girl: Patrick Bergen! I recognize that name.

Steve: I do not recognize any of these names.

Girl: I gotta look up the Bergen.

Steve: Blurry, murky underwater shot.

Girl: It’s real murky. How do they see anything?

Steve: I don’t know.
Oh they’re talking.
I had it turned down too much.
Okay wtf.

Girl: He said for her to give him a hand. She said she’d be right there.

Steve: Is it me or is the sound in this movie too low when they’re in the suits?

 Is it me or is the sound in this movie too low when they're in the suits?

Is it me or is the sound in this movie too low when they’re in the suits?

Girl: It’s muffled but okay.
What happening to Gus and Julie?

Steve: The ground opened up.

Girl: In the water?

Steve: Gus fell in.

Girl: He’s falling in a hole in the water?

Steve: Yes, in the water.

Girl: Swim, GUS!

Steve: He would probably swim but he’s all old.

Girl: I don’t think Gus is coming back.

Steve: I agree.
That guy!

 

Girl: Patrick Bergin.

Steve: Is that the guy whose name you recognized?

Girl: Yes.

Steve: I recognize his face
What was he in?

Girl: Like, a bunch of crap.
Also, Sleeping With The Enemy, which was good.

Steve: He’s in something I’ve seen.

Girl: He’s been in a lot of nothing stuff.
She is yelling directly at the wall.

Steve: Was he on the Highlander series?

Girl: Does she know that if she steped back she could talk directly to him?

Steve: He’s naked.
She doesn’t want to see him.

Girl: Patriot Games
I do not believe that is the Sahara..
Oh, she doesn’t take any sh*t from him.

Steve: Are you sure that guy with the beard is Patrick Bergin?
He doesn’t look like the pictures of Patrick Bergin online.

Girl: I think I’m sure.
You’re right. Who is that guy then?

Steve: I don’t know.

Girl: She’s just hanging out. By the Loch. Like you do.

 She's just hanging out. By the Loch. Like you do.

She’s just hanging out. By the Loch. Like you do.

Steve: Of course.

Girl: They’re real mad at him.

Steve: Yeah
He storms in and tells them what for, then leaves.
That guy said “What Would Gus Do?”
I wonder if he has the bracelet.

Girl: I need a bracelet.
Is that a memorial for all the people the monster eats?

 Is that a memorial for all the people the monster eats?

Is that a memorial for all the people the monster eats?

Steve: Sure, why not.

Girl: Sara dosn’t care about his sorry.
It’s raining on everyone except her.

Steve: It is only raining in the wide shots.
They are just pouring water in front of the lens.

Girl: It was only raining on certain people.

Steve: Haha.
Accordion in a dive bar band.

Girl: That is the fakest band I’ve ever seen.
Awkward redhead just stands around.
I think he’s gonna tell Andrea off.

Steve: Andrea is not a sensitive type.

Andrea is not a sensitive type.

Andrea is not a sensitive type.

Girl: Andrea does not understand why they are upset.
She made a rude face.

Steve: Hahaha.

Girl: Um.

Steve: Why the hell…

Girl: What are those people doing?
BOOM OUT A SENSOR.

Steve: Why did that chick go swimming in the lake wearing a white t-shirt with nothing under it?

Girl: Cause she CAN.
Do you think they are filming on location?

Steve: I have no idea.
I have never seen Loch Ness.
Given the lack of local accents, I doubt it though.
The website kids should be Scottish.

Girl: Also, that looks like Southern California.
Oh. Jet lag.
An underwater flute!

Steve: He’s trying to remember what that is.

Girl: In some shots it is cloudy and dark and in others it is sunny.

Steve: That is because of how things are in Scotland.
Scots Sky they call it.

Girl: I’m looking up where they filmed.
Castiac Lake, Santa Clarita, California.

Steve: There you go.
See, the accents are always a giveaway.
When you film on location it’s easy to get locals.

Girl: Also the terrain.

Steve: Right.
But I have no idea what Loch Ness looks like.

Girl: Hold on. I’ll show you. It’s green. Not desert.
http://www.holidaycheck.com/data/urlaubsbilder/images/82/1155762828.jpg
So, how come Gus couldn’t get out? Maybe he is still alive.

Steve: Ah

Girl: The people who believe in the monster are currently surprised that there is a monster.

Steve: They clearly do not believe in it.
Or they wouldn’t have been planting a fake one.

Girl: But they have the website.

Steve: They are just trying to make money on the website

Girl: I found the biggest clue of all that they filmed in Cali.

Steve: What is the clue you found?

Girl: There’s a Mexican dude on the tour boat.

Steve: Dude.
The sound mixing on theis is awful.

Girl: NESSIE!!!!

 

Steve: I can barely hear the suit people.
I’m gonna go get food.
KMU.

Girl: Ok.
Jake needs to talk to him.
No one knwos where Julie went.
I suspect that Nessie took her.
Jake is now losing air. They tell him to stay calm and get in the cage.
Julie is still missing. No one has visual of Julie.
Nessie is coming back. They are telling Jake to hide. NOW.
The tourists are seeing bloody stuff and Nessie under their boat. The Mexican dude seems scared.
Jake has lost almost all his oxygena nd still can’t find Julie.
Oh, look, there’s Julie. Now they are safe in the boat again.
Now Case is super excited. THEY FOUND NESSIE.
Jake says he is not going back int he water because he is scared of Nessie.
Case says no talking until they get proof. Jake says he crapped his shorts, is that proof enough?
They think that Nessie came through the flute from the ocean. They are glad that Gus was right.
Seriously, they didn’t even try to hide the obviously Califronian moutains.
Oh, now they got an Irish fisherman.
The Scottish fishermen are vaguely threatening the scientisits.
Case is pissed.

Steve: I am back.

Girl: Boom fishing is dropping explosives to kill fish, and it messes up the sensors. They do it on purpose cause they hate them.

Steve: Okay here’s my thing.
There’s no Loch Ness monster, right?

Girl: Of course not.

Steve: But people still believe in it
That makes no sense.

Girl: People believe in a lot of sh*t that is dumb.

Steve: It’s not like Bigfoot.
Bigfoot could be hiding anywhere in the American northweast.

Girl: Bigfoot is also not real.

Steve: Right, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt for a second.
It would be much easier for Bigfoot to be real if he wanted.
The Loch Ness monster could only be in one place.
Loch Ness.
We would have found him a long time ago.

Girl: It’s a real deep lake.
And super super murky.

Steve: True, but sonar’s been around for a long time.

Girl: But I agree.

Steve: BTW.
That guy is Patrick Bergin.

 

 That guy is Patrick Bergin.

That guy is Patrick Bergin.

Girl: Who?

Steve: That guy in the bar who told this dude he was on his side but a lot of other people want him out.

Girl: That guy? Case?

Steve: No.
He was in the bar.
He had a basball cap and a grey sweater and a beer.

Girl: I missed it.

Steve: Well that was Bergin. He matched the photos online.

Girl: That was some quality acting. “Dude, are you sure?” {Keanu Reeves head move}.

Steve: I still can’t figure out who the beard guy from the beginning was

Girl: I can’t find him in the credits on IMDB.

Steve: Me either.
I did not know his name.

Girl: Oh good, it’s snowing again.

Steve: That guy knows about Bigfoot.
He must be smart.
Jake is being a jerk.

Girl: I have to go defrost some bacon. KMU.

Steve: They are both being jerks.
Cowboy hat threatened to fire Jake if he didn’t come with him.
It’s night on the Loch.
Local fishermen are fishing with a net.
Oh, and dynamite.
Nessie breached but they thought it was just a fish.
They’re gonna bomb Nessie.
They successfully bombed Nessie, but it only made her mad.

Girl: I’m back.

Steve: They are reviewing the tape and saying they need better pictures
Nessie’s killing drunk fishermen.

Girl: Good for her.

Steve: Elizabeth Borden?
That name is familiar.

Girl: Lizzy Borden.
Gave her mother fifty whacks.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Girl: When she was done, she gave her father 51.

Steve: What a weird name for a character.

Girl: Very odd.
You think the movie will take a twist and she’ll just start murdering people?

Steve: The real Lizzy Borden was acquitted

Girl: I feel real funny. In my neck and head.

Steve: Is it freezing inside your house?

Girl: No, it’s in the upper 60′s.
It’s like I feel dizzy, but in my neck.

Steve: Are you on something?

Girl: Now THAT looks like Scotland.
No, I’m not.

Steve: Is there a tiny gopher in your neck?

Girl: Not that I know of.
I am going to ignore it and hope it goes away.

Steve: Ok.

Girl: So she makes TV shows?

 

Steve: I guess.

Girl: That Julie is so mad that she’s shaking.

Steve: Yes.

Girl: I think they are all being quite silly. This movie is all very silly.

Steve: Yes.

Girl: How is it going to end? Will they catch Nessie?
She shakes her head around all funny.
Dude, how old is that cell phone?

Steve: This was made in 2001.
Smack.
Kiss.
That’s how real men do it.

Smack. Kiss. That's how real men do it.

kiss Smack.
Kiss.
That’s how real men do it.

Girl: Oh come on now. There is exactly zero sexual tension between them.
She’s a big ole lesbian.

Steve: WHAT?
Dude.
They are intercutting shots of the real Loch that don’t have people in them with shots of California that have their actors.
It doesn’t even remotely match.

Girl: Yes. It is very annoying.
Do you feel prehistoric terror?
Because I was promised prehistoric terror.

Steve: Oh, sure.
Bunch of it.
Right in my leg.

Girl: Maybe that’s what’s wrong in my neck and head. It’s prehistoric terror.

Steve: Probably.
Either that of Fat Slappy Mumbles is behind you trying to break your neck.
THAT GUY!
Bergin.

Girl: She is just mad about every single thing he does.
The fat guy was?

Steve: Yes.
The guy the constable was roughing up.

Girl: So Bergin’s role is….

Steve: He’s the local that’s on their side.
I think he’s going to be a bigger character.
THERE!

Girl: There he is.

Steve: Yeah, we’ll see more of him.

Girl: Sandstone. Yeah, you see tons of that in Scotland.
She is SUCH a bitch.

Sandstone. Yeah, you see tons of that in Scotland.

Sandstone. Yeah, you see tons of that in Scotland.

Steve: I do not understand her attitude.
I’ve seen a ton of shows about mythical monsters and legends that have way less evidence than these guys have.
They could totally go to TV and make money right now.

Girl: Um, if they found what they were looking for, would they be talking to you?
He’s trying real hard to be creepy.
Did Nessie eat his son?

Steve: Probably.
I have found a review of this movie on a site called “Stomp Tokyo”
B-movies, Godzilla, and video cheese since 1996!

Girl: I like cheese.

Steve: I also like cheese.
His son was killed years ago.

Girl: And they relieved him of his work, wife, and life.

Steve: I thought they were saying Nessie just woke up in the earthquake?

Girl: Yeah, their storylines aren’t matching up.
He wants it BAD.

Steve: That guy wears a cowboy hat all the time because he is so American.

Girl: And they say howdy.

Steve: Bringing the local crazy guy on the dive is not going to help their reputation.

Girl: No, not really. Until they prove him right.

Steve: Wee bit.

Girl: A wee bit.
HAHAHAHA.
This acting is awful.

Steve: Bill Paxton could outact this entire cast with his eyes closed

Girl: “Something is swimming around out there!” “Yeah!”
They should pull up Slappy Mumbles in that net.

Steve: They should.
He swims in the Loch as part of his skin regimen.

Girl: Just all dripping wet and slapping at the net. “Getcha! Getcha!”

Steve: I am laughing so hard at that.

Girl: It would be awesome.
Um.
Seriously.
Well, I guess that solves their problem.
They do all this work, and Nessie just dies on her own?

Steve: Probably the fishermen dynamited it.
But it was only baby Nessie.

Girl: It is a baby monster.

 It is a baby monster.

It is a baby monster.

 

Steve: Okay.

Girl: I think that guy and Blay have the sex together.

Steve: So even after being proven so spectacularly wrong, this constable won’t even acknowledge the possibility that there’s another one of those things in the Loch?

Girl: Correct.
He’s real stubborn.

Steve: See…
Before this scene he was being pretty reasonable.
Now he’s just being a dick.

Girl: He is mad ’cause he was wrong.
Men get all weird about that kind of thing.

Steve: When you have proof of an unknown life form IN YOUR F*CKING FRIDGE, you should really shut up.

Girl: Are they breaking in to the morgue?

Steve: Yes.

Girl: Phillipines?

Steve: Haha.
Filipinos eat anything, is what they’re saying.

Girl: So see, this monster came in through the flute. But the BIG one was already there. That is what I think.

Steve: OMG!
THERE WAS A HUGE BITE OUT OF IT!
The constable obviously knew that, and still says there’s no huge monster in the Loch.
He is a super dick.

 THERE WAS A HUGE BITE OUT OF IT!

THERE WAS A HUGE BITE OUT OF IT!

Girl: Because of Nessie. It came in to her Loch, and she was pissed.

Steve: He cannot pronounce Leviathan
These guys are making sh*t up.
The Bible does not say half that stuff about the Leviathan.

Girl: Well, this whole movie is making sh*t up.

Steve: Why fireworks?
To celebrate dead Nessie?

Girl: Druid celebration.

Steve: Hey Druids.

Girl: Nessie is PISSED.

Steve: You’re eaten.

Girl: How many times is he going to tell the guy to keep them off the water? He NEVER listens.

Steve: The greens will have a field day.

Girl: What is his experience level exactly?

Steve: He’s experienced with being a dick to people for no reason.
Haha!

Girl: Oh. My. God.

Steve: Queequeg.
He’s dressed as Queequeg.

Queequeg.

Queequeg.

Girl: I can’t…. I just…. This is so Brimstone.
Enough? For what?

Steve: He’s going to war.
With Nessie.
She’s right. He’s disgusting.

Girl: This movie is so boring.

Steve: It really is.
Girl: HAHA.
No really, I want to.

Steve: I’ve been reading things on Wikipedia for a while because this movie is so boring.

Girl: I guess what I’ve learned here is – prehistoric terror = boring.
I was looking at Facebook.

Steve: Is Cold Mumbles going to cut that thing in half?

 

Girl: With a wrench.

Is Cold Mumbles going to cut that thing in half?

Is Cold Mumbles going to cut that thing in half?

Steve: One of them is going to die.
That’s why they made up.

Girl: I hope all of them die.

Steve: I hope that guy gets shot right in the bullseye on his shirt.

Girl: Why do they have to go down in the cage?

Steve: Umm…
Seriously?
There’s a monster in the water, Girl
It eats people.

Girl: Eh.

Steve: Dude.
I want to know what she did to get Case out of jail.
They haven’t said once.

Girl: I think we can use our imagination on that one.

Steve: I’m kind of getting the impression it is unfit for broadcast.

Girl: Someone needs to slap that blond lady, hard.
Why is Blay looking at some kind of rope fence?

Steve: That is way more than 60 feet.

Girl: Sheesh, that thing is huge.

Steve: Loch Ness has a surface area of almost 22 square miles.
It doesn’t seem like randomly dropping depth charges is a good strategy.

Girl: Isn’t it the deepest lake.

Steve: It is not the deepest
But it is the second deepest Loch.

Girl: Is a loch the same as a lake?

Steve: It contains more fresh water than all the lakes in England and Wales combined.
I think a loch is a type of lake.
No I’m wrong.
It’s just the Scottish for lake

Girl: Ok that makes sense

Steve: So if it’s the second deepest loch, I guess that means the second deepest lake in Scotland.

Girl: This is so boring.

Steve: I know.

Girl: Is it bigger than Lake Michigan?

Steve: We’re learning about lakes instead of watching it.

Girl: I am reading about a shooting that just happened in Houston.

Steve: Nowhere near the size of Lake Michigan.
I’m pretty sure Michigan is that largest freshwater body on earth.

Girl: It’s so big.

Steve: Max. length 36.3 km (22.6 mi)
Max. width 2.7 km (1.7 mi)
Surface area 56.4 km2 (21.8 sq mi)
Average depth 132 m (433 ft)
Max. depth 226.96 m (744.6 ft)
Water volume 7.4 km3 (1.8 cu mi)
That’s Loch Ness
Max. length 307 mi (494 km)
Max. width 118 mi (190 km)
Surface area 22,300 sq mi (58,000 km2)[1]
Average depth 279 ft (85 m)
Max. depth 923 ft (281 m)[2]
Water volume 1,180 cu mi (4,900 km3
That’s Michigan.

Girl: So Loch Ness is really not that big. They would’ve for sure found Nessie by now.

Steve: Yeah.

Girl: I wonder what kind of monster is in Lake Michigan?

Steve: There’s an island in the middle of it named Demonreach that doesn’t appear on any map and which you can’t find unless you know exactly wehre to look

Girl: Like magic?

Steve: It’s right on the convergangce of several major ley lines and is sentient.
A large number of supernatural monsters are imprisoned underground there.
Harry Dresden claimed it as his sanctum.

Girl: I see.

Steve: Now he lives there.
Oh hey look. Something’s happening on the movie.

 

 Oh hey look. Something's happening on the movie.

Oh hey look. Something’s happening on the movie.

Girl: Oh.

Steve: Blay’s gone.

Girl: Where’d Blay go?

Steve: He got et.

Girl: And then set off a bomb?

Steve: He went down the creature’s gullet with a spear and a bomb.

Girl: I see.

Steve: I don’t think the spear helped.

Girl: No, I should think not.
Is Case dead too? Cause I kind of hope so.

Steve: Who the crap is this guy now?
I would not kiss her.
You might catch bitchitis.

Girl: No. No one should ever kiss her.

Steve: So aren’t they all under arrest now?
Since they signed legal documents promising to leave?

Girl: I think they should all be shot.

Steve: It’s over!

Girl: And the people who made this movie should be shot.

Steve: Thank goodness.
That was so bad it made me forget how bad Maximum Mumbles was.

Girl: I feel dirty after that movie.

Steve: When a movie is that boring, you’re supposed to turn it off.
We didn’t.
Makes you feel like a useless lump huh?

Girl: Dead on the inside.


Filed in: Streaming Sibling Suckas • Friday, February 1st, 2013

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Death By Movies is a blog about watching way too much of everything.

And boy, do we ever.